Days 14 & 15

Meltdown was bound to happen, and it did. Yesterday was a day much like any other around here, with the exception of my mental state. Tessa wasn't in any more distress or pain particularly, everything just caught up with me. I woke up all right, but Casey and I had a disagreement about something and the dam broke. I couldn't fill my lungs because of the iron grip that grief had on me. I found myself trying to cry silently in the bathroom, but I couldn't stop and I didn't want to stress Tessa out. So after giving poor Casey a tongue lashing that he didn't deserve I left. I didn't know what to do with myself or where to go. I just had tears streaming down my face and knew I had to find some quiet. I crawled under a low-lying olive tree and sat there weeping. It's too much to ask of people to watch their children suffer. My mind was fully wrapped in a fog of despair. I could tell that I wasn't going to be able to cry this one out, and all I really wanted to do was lay with Tessa and look at her so I headed back to the room. Casey went out for his bike ride and Tessa went down for her nap. The room was shuttered and dark, and she slept for 5 hours. I sat there in the darkness and ate my feelings. You men probably don't know what this means, but I sense a few women out there nodding in empathy. At about 4:30 I remembered the "mini-bar" my sister-in-law gave me and made myself a vodka tonic. At this point I'm sure some of you are shaking your heads at my too-much-information disclosure or my unhealthy coping strategies, well this is my reality and I had a drink. I actually felt a little better and stuck with the one drink knowing that I'm an all or nothing kinda girl. Casey and I were able to come back together later that night, and we parted in a positive space.

I woke today feeling still a little out of sorts, but in a better place than yesterday. I evaluated where I was and came to the conclusion that the only thing to do was a little retail therapy. Yep, there's another positive coping strategy! I headed over to Target (where all the high falutin' ladies do their shopping!) and wandered the aisles. I find this strangely cathartic and left in better spirits with a couple of baggy dark pink shirts for Tessa. Tessa and I took a nap together and painted some more things pink. Now I'm hiding out in the kitchen writing this while Casey and Tessa watch the Little Rascals.

There has actually been some really good news to share with you all... Tessa's white blood counts are moving up and her neutraphils (a white blood cell that is related to her immune system) hit .5! It's a low number, but it means that her new cells are beginning to engraft!!!! The docs are pleased with the response her rash is showing to the steroids (though she still is crazy itchy and being coated heat to toe with topical steroid ointments). So all in all it's been a good day. She's even given some genuine smiles. Still not really eating, but baby steps. Her mucositis is getting better every day, and I'm sure she'll be back on cereal bars and chicken nuggets in no time.

Thank you everyone for the emails you are sending. I love hearing from you. The only other connection I have to my friends and the outside world is Facebook, and quite frankly I hate Facebook right now. I go on there several times a day because I love to see the pictures, but inevitably I have this involuntary reaction of anger when I see how normal everyone's lives are. How their kids are growing up and learning to ride bikes or draw faces. For a second I have a very ugly internal dialogue. But then the immediate next reaction is relief that my friends kids are ok. And then I just miss everyone. I can't wait til we're out of here. We're going to have a big party!

Love to all!