Day 17

Tonight I attempt to sleep on the couch. I could say that I have been sleeping with Tessa in her hospital bed because she needs me in this trying time and that would be true. But that's not the whole story. I have grown accustomed to her warm little body snuggled up next to me over the last year. Her little head (now even softer because of the short downy fuzz) inevitably finds it's way to the crook of my neck, and her hand will often rest on my chest. She's my Hamley (for those of you who don't know, Hamley is hers special teddy whom she can't sleep without). So it would be just as honest for me to say that in this trying time I need her next to me too. It comforts me, and comfort is not readily available (if you discount emotional eating, vodka tonics and Target). However, lately there has been some other factors thrown into the discomfort of sleeping in a twin size hospital bed with a plastic mattress. Over the last week or so Tessa's respiration has slowed during sleep. Last week at about 5 am our nurse throws open the door and starts nudging Tessa saying loudly, "Tessa, take a deep breath for me. Tessa, deep breaths." I am instantly awake and stricken with panic. Tessa wakes up and looks at me like, "Um, mom?" The nurse tells me her breathing had slowed way down, and so as long as that is happening the head of the bed has to be elevated and she should be on blow-by oxygen (she doesn't have to wear the mask, but the mask is positioned so the oxygen is blowing on her face). The nurse goes over to turn on the oxygen and his stethoscope his the code blue button. Suddenly the door to our room bursts open and 4 nurses rush in. It's comical, but good to know they are ready to respond in an emergency. It only gets better from there. They can't turn the code blue off, so the alarm is sounding throughout the unit (not in patient rooms thank god), and issuing a signal in other parts of the hospital. They get engineering down to our room to turn off the alarm and manage to get the madness back under control. I felt so bad for that nurse. I kept thinking, "This is sooooo something that would happen to me regularly if I was a nurse!" Anyway... Now the head of the bed is elevated, and when her O2 levels get too low we have the oxygen mask shoved between us hissing air in her face. Awesome. My body can't handle it anymore. Getting less and less sleep every night. So I have to cut the cord and move to the couch. Sigh.

Today Tessa's white blood cells were up to 1300 and her neutraphils were around 700! The docs say that tomorrow she will be considered engrafted! Whoohooo! We will be able to take her out of her room so she can walk down the 50 feet of hallway that makes up the stem cell unit. Yay? I mean yay!

She's doing so well, everyday a little better. She was working hard on coloring her Shrinky Dinks today (this will be my first Shrinky Dink experience, and I'm pretty excited!). I told Tessa that I would be cooking the little pictures she was coloring and she looked at me like I was crazy! Love that girl.

Today Tessa also received her first American Doll (baby) in the mail from my cousins Jackie and Laura along with everything that baby could possibly need. The expression on her face when she opened that box was priceless! She held the baby up and the grabbed it to her chest. It is in her bed with her now as she snoozes. Thank you Jackie and Laura! Beyond generous!

Well, hoping I sleep as well as that new baby... Good night!