Day 1

I wish I could report that now that we're counting up instead of down things are improving. The honest truth is that the days are eternally long and Tessa is pretty miserable. She has developed mouth ulcers and they are moving into her throat as well. She has been itching, headachy, hurting, and grumpy as hell. The other day I say a picture of Tessa that my cousin posted on Facebook from 7 months ago. She looked totally different and had a big smile on her face. It broke  my heart. I miss my little happy girl. I feel like a terrible mother saying that. I know she's miserable and crazed from pain and meds. She is a champion and my admiration for her knows no bounds. But my heart is worn down from watching what life has forced her to endure.

We had visits from Auntie Julie, and cousins Haley and Alyssa, and later Auntie Katie, Uncle Marc, and cousins Sam and Elle dropped off dinner and hung out. The visits were hard as Tessa is just unhappy. But her cousins are incredible patient girls who didn't bat an eye. My love and respect for them grows every time I see them.

I got to go out for coffee with an old friend (she's not old, quiet the contrary). Annie is a wonderful sensitive woman with a heart of gold. It was so wonderful to see her and catch up.

Tomorrow is two weeks in the hospital. We're told the next week will be pretty rough. She will continue to feel pretty bad and will probably start losing her hair. I asked the night nurse the other day if she would start to feel better in the next few days. The pity in her eyes was palpable as she looked at me and said, "Oh honey, she's not going to feel better for a while. This process is like getting run over by a truck and then just to be sure it's got you it backs up over you." Oh. Well, gotta keep your eye on the future. Sigh. Too bad it feels so far away.

Visit from cousins

Painting new remote control car pink

For about 10 minutes this afternoon Tessa started smiling and asking for hugs. Salve to our aching hearts.