Day 5

I thought for sure that Tessa would sleep like the dead given how loopy and sleepy her morphine dose was making her. Foolish me. We were up almost every hour. I was (am) so exhausted that at one point when she woke me up I didn't even remember how we got back to bed. At another point I woke up with a cup of ice melted on my chest, apparently I had passed out in the middle of spooning ice into Tessa's mouth. So tired this morning, but cranked up my music and went for a walk anyway.

Today has been more of the same...mouth pain, peeing and misery. The doctors increased her lidocaine 15 fold, but she's just in so much pain it's madness. Tessa has skin rashes and irritations all over her chest. She itches all the time from the quantity of morphine she's getting, and no matter how much atarax, hydrocortisone and benedryl she gets it never really seems to go away. She is so uncomfortable that Casey and I feel completely useless. We sit with her all day spooning ice water into her ravaged mouth, applying ice packs or creams. Meanwhile she can only croak at us "Do something!" Talk about feeling helpless.

Despite how incredibly awful this whole reality is the nurses say it's incredible that she's still walking and that she's only getting put on IV nutrition today. She actually has managed to eat a little bit of bread, which is mind-blowing considering how tortured her mouth is.

Her hair is falling out by the handfuls now. I thought I was prepared for this part, but when I brushed her hair this morning and came away with a chunk I had to choke back the sadness. If I had any skills with cards I would be an amazing poker player. Ok, maybe not.

Tessa and Mommy passed out about 2 o'clock for a few hours. Overcome by exhaustion. How do you like that eye mask?

Noni came by for a visit today on her way to work and dropped off some food. She loves her Tessa so much and is such a support for us. Thank you Noni!