Day 118

We've been home for almost 5 weeks now, and in many ways it seems as though we never left. We get to see our friends a couple times a week (with the added interogation of "are you all healthy?", "take off your shoes", "wash your hands", "don't share sippy cups!", etc.). It's wonderful to be able to reconnect with friends and see the kiddos that Tessa has grown up with and how much they've changed over the last six months. Getting Tessa to play with her friends requires some effort on our part, facilitating play and being involved. Casey is wonderful at this and watching him in action is a reminder that though it is hard to have to constantly be present and involved with Tessa, the payoff is worth it. There are moments that cause my stomach to clench, though. The other day we went to a playdate at the park. Tessa had about ten minutes of carefree movement-chasing her friends and riding her bike (which brings me such joy my heart feels it will burst!). But I tend to forget that she's still not in tip top shape. That ten minutes of activity left her feeling nauseated. She crawled into her stroller and could not be convinced to come out. I look up and see two of her friends running with abandon across the field. I mutter "look at them..." to my friend. She says, "What? The girls running?". "Yeah",  I say. I can't tell you how much I want that for Tessa. "Someday," I whisper.

So... normalcy, it turns out is a matter of perspective. We've just had to adjust our filters a little. I think way deep inside I keep hoping that she's going to go back to being the way she was before June 28, 2012. That we would get to go back and relive the last year with our little girl now that she's better. But we don't get that time back. Things don't "return" to normal because life always moves forward and we are just along for the ride. This is the new normal.

The flip side of the hard stuff is the miracle that has happened. Tessa went in for her second post-transplant bone marrow aspiration/biopsy on the 13th. We got back the results later in the week. She remains 100% donor, which is amazing! It means that despite her new marrow only being a 9 out of 10 match, her body is accepting it and it's putting down roots and making itself at home!!!! It's an act of grace that we are making our way out of the darkness and into the light.